MAARTEN'S STORY: How Psychedelics Caused the Death of My Ego

This article by Maarten Verkoren was previously published in Manners Magazine. There, he writes about culinary travel, among other topics. This time, he takes you on a journey through his mind.

In previous articles I have written, you can read about what psychedelics are and do, as well as my experiences with microdosing. I also previewed a macrodose—a full psychedelic trip with magic truffles. In this article, you can read about how it went, what I experienced, and the short- and long-term effects. This is based on my personal experience, followed by my attempt to put everything into perspective and provide an explanation.

I am not advising or recommending anyone to use psychedelics—that is a decision you must make entirely on your own. However, if you do choose to, I strongly suggest doing it with proper preparation and guidance and making sure to integrate your experiences afterward. You can do this through a company like Field Trip, the world's first healthcare institution for psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy, serving both those seeking self-discovery and those dealing with specific psychological challenges. If a more intimate setting is preferable, you could also engage a shaman or a sitter to guide you through your journey.

Another Reality Through Psychedelics

Jakobien van der Weijden has extensive experience guiding such ceremonies. I had multiple preparatory discussions with her, which felt thorough and thoughtful. By the time the day of my ceremony arrived, I was completely reassured and prepared—a crucial factor in ensuring a positive trip.

We started with some yoga and breathing exercises, after which Jakobien handed me a glass of truffle tea. I then drank a warm ginger beverage and settled onto the couch. I closed my eyes, and soon enough, it began. Suddenly, I saw incredibly intense colors and shapes, as if looking through a kaleidoscope, turning it, and then being sucked right in, floating through an unfamiliar world—another universe. Or was it another consciousness? Was my brain clouded by psilocybin, distorting my perception, or was it something else? Could this be the real consciousness, while my normal daily state is the distorted reality?

Enlightenment? Or Just a Trip Through La-La Land?

All my senses became highly amplified, working in sync with my brain, mind, and soul. Even though my eyes were closed, I saw more than I had ever seen before. It was as if I was tumbling through a fantasy world at rollercoaster speed—images, light, and colors unfolding rapidly. It all seemed to be driven by the music, which dictated what I saw.

At first, I was struck by how all-encompassing the music was. You know that feeling at some concerts where it feels like you’re immersed in the sound? Well, that was nothing compared to how I experienced music during this mystical journey. It surrounded me, passed through me, resonated in my core, and filled my soul. The music didn’t just move me—it became me, and I became the music. Every note and every voice conjured vivid images, creating worlds like those in Disney’s Fantasia. The visuals and music, in turn, triggered intense physical sensations.

What began as a mild tingling in my fingers and toes rippled through my entire body in waves. It felt as if I was bouncing on the couch, as if my body was being inflated and squeezed at the same time. My heart pounded, my chest felt like it might burst open. Occasionally, it did—I disintegrated and became one with my surroundings, with the colors, patterns, and music…

Open Your Mind (to Psychedelics)

At those moments, I ceased to exist. I had no ego, and an overwhelming sense came over me that nothing would ever be the same again. How could I return to my old life? How could I continue as before? Impossible. I started chuckling, then laughing out loud. I noticed, felt self-conscious around Jakobien, but I couldn’t stop. I had to laugh, and laugh, and laugh…

What had I been worrying about all my life? What did any of it mean? Nothing! Everything is so unimportant. Even life and death are insignificant. Everything is eternal. Everything is light, color, growth, and flourishing. Everything is alive, and everything is one. There is no ego, no individuals—we are all one, infinite and eternal. There is only energy. The souls I have known in my life are connected to mine. It is pure arrogance to think I am separate and alone.

Returning from the Fairytale World

The images morphed into mushrooms that observed my struggle—my attempts to categorize and make sense of everything. They grew, looked down at me, and laughed. I laughed along. Grinning, I placed my hands over my head and surrendered to the experience. It continued for some time—or time… The concept of time seemed nonexistent. There was no beginning, no end—only pure being. Everything was exactly as it was meant to be. Period.

As the effects began to fade, I quickly returned to earth, noticing my usual thoughts creeping back. Slightly disappointed to be kicked out of that beautiful fairytale world, I began the ongoing process of making sense of what I had seen and felt and determining how to integrate these lessons into my life. The continuation is not about taking more trips (though I don’t rule that out) but about applying what I have learned for personal growth.

What Happens in Your Brain During a Trip?

Psychedelics are particularly good at temporarily shutting down the Default Mode Network (DMN)—the brain’s system for automating tasks and making shortcuts for efficiency. While this helps us function, it also traps us in thought loops and stifles creativity.

During a trip, everything appears astonishingly new and beautiful, much like how young children perceive the world. This is because the brain forms new neural connections, forging alternative pathways now that the usual mental highways are temporarily blocked. Some of these new routes fade, while others remain. Where they lead is different for everyone—they might reveal forgotten memories or undiscovered aspects of the mind.

Clinically, this could be a valuable therapy for individuals stuck in depressive or anxious thought patterns. But even for those not struggling with mental health conditions, these new connections can foster personal growth, fresh insights, and a refocus on what truly matters.

Conclusion and Key Considerations:

• Psychedelics are not a magic pill that will instantly solve all your problems.

• Set and setting matter—do it with the right mindset and guidance.

• Reflect on what you’d like to change in your life beforehand.

• Observe what insights emerged when your DMN was offline—what alternative ways of thinking did you experience?

• Consider how you can implement these lessons to improve your life and enjoy the journey more.

• Keep working on yourself—apply what you learned when your ego temporarily dissolved.

Completely shutting off your ego—whether through psychedelics or meditation—is not something you’ll do every day. But once you have experienced it, you’ll find it easier to dial it down and enter a flow state where you feel connected to something greater than yourself. Whether this is spiritual or simply universal and timeless, it is an extraordinary experience—one that many people consider among the most important of their lives.

Regardless of what science ultimately concludes about psychedelics, experiences shape the brain. And changes in your brain change you. Especially when it comes to such a profound experience as a psychedelic journey.